I Hate Being Alone
by Babylon By Candlelight
Summary: Alex reflects on her two past relationships. [OneShot]


**_Disclaimer:_** I do not own Degrassi or any of its characters. If I did, I would be brain-washing Adamo Ruggiero into loving me, not writing fanfics.

**_Author's Note:_** This is my first fanfic, one-shot or otherwise, so any comments/suggestions you have would be helpful.

I'm not going to lie: I loved Jay. He was arrogant, a complete asshole, a step below the "trailer trash" the world classified me as. But there was something about him that commanded attention; something you just couldn't ignore. I didn't think that I could change him when we first started dating; I knew better. I had watched other girls try to reform their boyfriends, and I knew it would never work. Besides, if I was going to be perfectly honest, I liked feeling just that little much better than him. Oh, sure, my home life sucked; my mother was drunk half the time, and her boyfriend of the week didn't care which of us he hit. The thing is though, I understood. When my dad left, she fell apart. She needed someone there.

Maybe I'm too much like my mother in that aspect of life.

I didn't cry when I found out Jay cheated on me. I wasn't surprised at all, as pathetic as that seems. I always knew what he was like; that was part of the reason I was drawn to him in the first place. I guess I never really connected the fact that if he could treat others like shit, he could treat me that way too. Still, I didn't cry. I got pissed, I punched my best friend, I yelled and screamed, but I didn't cry. I still had my pride, right? I didn't need that scumbag; I was the one who helped him out, who kept him from being suspended anymore than he already was. He should be grateful that I let him go so easily!

God, I hated being alone. No matter how anti-social I appeared, I loved being with people. I didn't necessarily like talking to them, or offering my oh-so-esteemed opinion, but I liked the nearness they provided. I didn't miss Jay, per se. I just missed having someone there. Maybe that's why in the end, I fell so hard for her – she never seemed to be alone.

Yes, _her_. Paige Michaelchuck, the Queen Bee of Degrassi, leader of the Spirit Squad, and, on occasion, my tormentor. Everyone knew Paige, whether they wanted to or not. Hell, if _I _knew Paige, then everyone knew Paige. I was probably the lowest rung on the social ladder, low enough not to be a threat to anyone. To this day, I still don't fully understand how she and I became so close; close enough that her best friend would be jealous. I don't think I'll never know what made me feel this way in the first place.

However, I do remember the first time I saw her without feeling that twinge of loathing. It was the day she had gotten fired from the movie theatre job, and I saw her back down from Spinner because she felt guilty. I was so angry that she allowed herself to be treated that way, and I was angry at Spinner for making her feel so low. Before I could repress it, the thought, _I would never treat her that way; why is she still with him?_ flashed through my mind. I brushed it off as hating any male who treated a woman like a piece of crap. What I couldn't so easily ignore was the way I watched her from then on.

Then came the opening of Kevin Smith's movie. Paige was so hurt that she had been cut from it, even though she tried to cover it up with her snobby act. I don't know why I acted the way I did that night. I knew that I wanted to see her smile again, and that more than anything, I wanted to be the one who made her smile. I came to terms with the fact that I liked Paige weeks before; even though I was almost positive I wasn't a lesbian. I didn't like girls; I liked Paige. There was a huge difference, though I couldn't tell you why.

I knew I shouldn't have kissed her. She didn't know how I felt, not really, and she wasn't ready to admit how she might have felt. Or perhaps I was too confident that she_did_feel the same way about me, and she just needed a wake-up call. It never even entered my head that Paige would suppress whatever she felt just so that her friends wouldn't abandon her. After all, she had left Spinner to go to Dean (as much as I hate bringing that up), she hid her relationship with Matt from everyone, all this done because she wanted to. I couldn't figure out why I was different from all the others, why instead of using her popularity to gloss over her actions, she used it to hide from me. Maybe I just didn't matter.

Then, all of a sudden, we _were_together. It wasn't out in the open, or blatant, but we both knew we were. The change happened so subtlety; I can't even pinpoint the instance when we both decided it was the way things should be. I was happy, for the first time in a very long time, happier than I ever was with Jay. And Paige said she was happy too. I believed her; I had no reason not to. We both smiled a lot easier, and were comfortable with who we were.

And one day, it ended. She was just gone. She went to college, and I stayed here at the community college. Paige had left me a note the night she left that simply said, "I'll see you when I see you." And just as I knew we were together all those months ago, I now knew that we weren't. I expected it, of course. She had flat out told me that she was going to go to Banting, and that she wasn't going to let anything stop her. The old resentment from early in the year, when she had blown her interview due to one joint, flashed in her eyes. The only defense I had ever been able to present in that case was that I didn't know the pot would affect her in that way; she seemed to have been_too_ stoned from just one joint. No one I knew had ever acted like that on their first time. Leave it to Paige to go above and beyond, as usual.

I wasn't shocked. I was hurt, though. I hadn't expected her to just be gone in the middle of the night, with no real goodbye, or a comforting word. I knew that Paige was always cold when it came to getting her own way, and I guess she didn't want to cry in front of me. Or perhaps she didn't want to i not /i cry in front of me; I also knew that she wasn't being hurt by leaving at all. Why should she be sad? She had gotten her own way in every aspect. She got to go to the college she wanted; she had me for a little while, and now she could start over somewhere new as the straight girl.

I cried when Paige left me. I cried because I_knew_ I deserved better than what she gave me. Because she didn't love me the way I needed her to. Because I was alone again.

I hate being alone.


End file.
